Clenched Fists

Victor knocked on my window just as I put my '97 Accord into Park.  Starbucks was calling and I was answering. 

I hopped out of my car and said "Hi, what can I do for you?"
With a strong Ukranian accent Victor launched into it. 

"My name is Veektor and I from Europe.  I needa lunch.  You help me eat?"

Didn't take long for me to realize that I had this coming.

You see, I have battled something my whole life... Generosity.  Not the regular kind of deal like taking a friend out for coffee or having people over for dinner or giving to charities or tipping 11%.  No, it's the controling power of money.  Or should I say, the incapacitating influence of money.  I have never earned a high salary in North American terms.   Therefore my life month to month is typically hoping to make ends meet.  Tough when your oldest hits Grade 7 and is not impressed with the Transformer Velcro shoes you just got a sweet deal on.  There were like super cool colors.  And lit up when you walk,.  Like come on.  Back in the day we had those mesh slip on shoes.  Not even cool on any level.  

So I live always questioning, always wondering how we are going to make all the payments.   And with precision timing every two weeks the "What if''s" start to lurk.  What if my car needs new brakes? (which it does so that's more of.. lovely, my car needs new brakes, "use both sides of the toiler paper kids!")   What if we can't afford the monthly payments for my son's $6500 braces?   What if I don't have enough to pay my mortgage?  What if...

I mentioned a few weeks back that Carla and I were launching into a new book called Big God by Britt Merrick.  It stemmed from the conviction that God had been tapping on my shoulder for months (years) about faith.  Trusting Him to provide (period).  Sounds all trite and wonderful and exactly what a pastor should do and say.  Yet I read it and it doesn't even sound easy.   Today, in this country, and this culture, there is very little we have to rely on others for.  

(Okay I absolutely have to interject right now.  As I was typing the sentence "Today, in this country..." I looked up for a moment because a lady walking by caught my attention.  50ish years old, trench coat and I kid you not, I am not making this up, she was casually strolling along smoking a joint.  So I sit corrected, I rely on people for freakishly crazy stories.  Which totally reminded me of another great marijuana story that will have to wait.)

It's true isn't it?  Think of your day to day life?  What do you rely on others that is a necessity for you to survive?  Not much beyond a paycheck I am guessing.

Victors knock was God's hand.

I had come to a point where I was sick of not trusting God the way I should.  Loving so many things about Jesus but falling short of loving Jesus.  When I love Jesus.  When I understand his love for me.  Love becomes the fuel for faith. \It fuels my capacity to lean into Jesus.  It propels me to peace, to extend hope, to ecnourage joy.  When I am tight fisted that becomes impossible.  When I clench my hands around my paycheck I am holding on to the tangible not the supernatural.

Victor was stunned when I clenched my fists around his arm and starting dragging him to the nearest restaurant and said "We are going right now wherever you want and we are buying whatever you need."

3 weeks before Victor knock I heard another knock.  That one was in my head.  I was taking a break from doing some hosting at a Conference.  So I took a stroll for a few blocks and hit the nearest Timmy's.  Got my large coffee one cream and started heading back.  As I exited the joint, I saw a huge drive-thru line up.  Thankful I was on foot, I started passing the cars one by one, looking to cut through to the sidewalk.  It was then I saw her.  She was in a beat up old Chrysler.  Off-white.  Seems a car wash was not top priority.  3 kids in car seats filled up the back seat.  Her head was held up by her hand, window open, elbow on the door.  Her head kinda of dropped.  Tiltied to one side.  I sensed she was clenching on to the tangible.  As I was about to pass her car, my head and my heart tweaked.  Be generous.  I stopped.  Our eyes met.  I smiled and walked away.  I cannot express to you how much I have thought about that moment ever since. 

I blew it.  

The clincher is that I had been asking the God of heaven, the God who promises to show up to show up and he did.  He chose me in that moment to be an extension of him and I clenched my paycheck.  I suck so bad.

I thanked God for hearing me and begged him to forgive me.

And Victor knocked.

To be honest, I hesitated a fraction of a second when I heard the knock.   It wasn't a clench.  It was a thank you.  I thanked God for second chances.  And third chances and grace beyond what I will ever deserve or ever have the capacity to earn.

I am pretty sure God was smiling cause Victor chose KFC.  For real?  Kentucky Fried Chicken are you kidding me?  If I had to choose between KFC and gum under a bus stop bench I would gnaw it off the bench.  I tried to get him somewhere that didn't leave you smelling like foot when you left.  To no avail.

I smiled regardless.  Victor was pumped.  Smelling like a foot and all.