My friend Lawrence East claims that the first time he met Mother Theresa in person (and yes, there are many more stories like this one and no, I haven't a clue if they are true either) she blessed everything in his life from that day forward.
Therefore bringing light to the fact that he dives into every meal like only every male slobbering Brit can... without using a napkin nor saying a blessing. And how this video ended up in my aresenal.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Oh the mall
Went to the mall.
It was me and the girls power shopping. Now when you are with a 9 year old (and yes I must footnote that Megan did indeed let me know that I mind as well say '10' because she is '10' in less than 30 days and therefore basically '10') and a 5 year old, serious shopping involves the following:
"Dad, we are totally starving."
3 minutes in and apparently we hit a wall of starvation. Incredible. And against all my instincts, values and sense of manhood I digressed to the whims of my girls and spent way too much money on one little bag of this. I am still bitter.
"Dad, I have a gift card for jewelry."
Sigh. I am convinced that my 9, er. 10 year old will never grasp the concept that gift cards are not an eternal fountain of money. I pray for her husband.
"Daddy, let's go here but we'll just look. I know, I know we are not buying any unless they are a super good deal and really cute. "
They should rename the store "Paylessmoretimes"
"Daddy my legs hurt so much. Hey, ice cream!"
I have no explanation either.
"Dad! Dad! I have to pee right now! I'm shaking."
Stunning since 3 minutes previous we passed a washroom and unless I am going insane (which I must admit is quite possible) I remember stating the phrase "Does anyone have to piddle cause we are right by the washroom and I don't want to pass the lovely opportunity up as I am quite certain that if we don't, in three minutes someone is going to wet their pants."
"Dad I totally need some makeup to look beautiful."
I know. That's when the whole 'beauty comes from the inside' talk unleashes again but slightly difficult to contextualize as I had just finished trying on some skinny jeans. Having the entire store gasp was not as bad as hearing your daughter say "wow."
"Daddy, everyone I know already has a shirt from this store and it just opened. Like we never get stuff first."
Yes, I do it on purpose to torture my children. Actually now I just say, "Honey your dad doesn't have a job." Works pretty good until Megan chirps in, "Wendy's is hiring."
"Daddy both of us cannot feel our arms or legs we are so hungry."
I couldn't feel my legs either but I wasn't complaining. It's like impossible to peel those skinny jeans off.
To end off an incredibly relaxing trip to the mall I decided to pop into one store. They were having a sale and thought hey, maybe I could find a little something something. No sooner did I enter the store, Caedyn disappears. Gone. Not hiding in the racks. Not in the kids section. I didn't hear anyone singing Beyonce. Nothing. I am calling, no answer. Not completely at the edge of panic, I launch into an in-store scan from one end to the other and just as I am heading to a store employee, the corner of my eye catches something...
It was me and the girls power shopping. Now when you are with a 9 year old (and yes I must footnote that Megan did indeed let me know that I mind as well say '10' because she is '10' in less than 30 days and therefore basically '10') and a 5 year old, serious shopping involves the following:
"Dad, we are totally starving."
3 minutes in and apparently we hit a wall of starvation. Incredible. And against all my instincts, values and sense of manhood I digressed to the whims of my girls and spent way too much money on one little bag of this. I am still bitter.
"Dad, I have a gift card for jewelry."
Sigh. I am convinced that my 9, er. 10 year old will never grasp the concept that gift cards are not an eternal fountain of money. I pray for her husband.
"Daddy, let's go here but we'll just look. I know, I know we are not buying any unless they are a super good deal and really cute. "
They should rename the store "Paylessmoretimes"
"Daddy my legs hurt so much. Hey, ice cream!"
I have no explanation either.
"Dad! Dad! I have to pee right now! I'm shaking."
Stunning since 3 minutes previous we passed a washroom and unless I am going insane (which I must admit is quite possible) I remember stating the phrase "Does anyone have to piddle cause we are right by the washroom and I don't want to pass the lovely opportunity up as I am quite certain that if we don't, in three minutes someone is going to wet their pants."
"Dad I totally need some makeup to look beautiful."
I know. That's when the whole 'beauty comes from the inside' talk unleashes again but slightly difficult to contextualize as I had just finished trying on some skinny jeans. Having the entire store gasp was not as bad as hearing your daughter say "wow."
"Daddy, everyone I know already has a shirt from this store and it just opened. Like we never get stuff first."
Yes, I do it on purpose to torture my children. Actually now I just say, "Honey your dad doesn't have a job." Works pretty good until Megan chirps in, "Wendy's is hiring."
"Daddy both of us cannot feel our arms or legs we are so hungry."
I couldn't feel my legs either but I wasn't complaining. It's like impossible to peel those skinny jeans off.
To end off an incredibly relaxing trip to the mall I decided to pop into one store. They were having a sale and thought hey, maybe I could find a little something something. No sooner did I enter the store, Caedyn disappears. Gone. Not hiding in the racks. Not in the kids section. I didn't hear anyone singing Beyonce. Nothing. I am calling, no answer. Not completely at the edge of panic, I launch into an in-store scan from one end to the other and just as I am heading to a store employee, the corner of my eye catches something...
To this day. I have no clue about the salute.
Just another day in the life...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I could so do that.
Since finishing my job on October 15th, I have only found myself rolled up under my desk in the fetal position, about twice a week. Besides that I am cooking.
Well, okay, maybe the last time I found myself there wasn't that pretty, but it's not like I was totally naked.
After picking up my daughter Megan and her friend from their jazz class last week, Megan hopped into the car totally jacked.
Well, okay, maybe the last time I found myself there wasn't that pretty, but it's not like I was totally naked.
After picking up my daughter Megan and her friend from their jazz class last week, Megan hopped into the car totally jacked.
"Dad. Dad! I know what you can do. You can totally work at Wendy's."
I look in the rear view mirror and I have a daughter who is beaming. Stoked that she thought of a job that I could totally do. Like so good. Before I started weeping out of sheer depression, 3 things whipped through my skull:
1. I powned McDonald's back in the day, this is nothing. Crew Person of the Month 2 times baby. Plaque and everything. I can do this.
2. I could look hot in those poly pants. What am I thinking. This is not happening.
3. If I had to choose, I am so going to Home Depot first. At least there are manly tools there and I don't have to ask anyone if they want a Hot Stuffed Baked Potato with their order. Plus you would get to say "screw" and "tool" a lot.
Okay, I thought of four things. Like seriously, my daughter went through all the possible jobs I could do in her head, and #1 was firing on the polyester pants and working at the big W. Really? Not even like landscaping guy or pilot boy? Nope. You are so wendy's dad.
But there is hope. Hope that my daughter thinks I am awesome enough to serve Frosty's for a living. And hope that I don't end up serving frosty's for a living.
I just upped the average. Now it's three times a week you can find me under my desk. And I'm starting to hum lady gaga. This is not going to be pretty is it.
But there is hope. Hope that my daughter thinks I am awesome enough to serve Frosty's for a living. And hope that I don't end up serving frosty's for a living.
I just upped the average. Now it's three times a week you can find me under my desk. And I'm starting to hum lady gaga. This is not going to be pretty is it.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Day After
So what does a "former" pastor do on his first Sunday off?
Well, he goes here.
(and runs into people he knows - of course - who are skipping this. Which really makes him laugh).
Packs the family into the van, decides to live free and wild (I know, very difficult to equate "free and wild" with a van. Alas, us "Sick" Dad's totally picture ourselves in the swagger wagon).
He takes the kidltets here. (Sorry, that should read 'follows his wife's precise instructions after being threatened that he will be riding a scooter the rest of his life even after he argue's about how "sick" he is to said wife. To which his wife points out that he needs to trim his ear hair because it looks disgusting)
Attends church.
He and his wife are highly impacted and therefore attend a second service held in a lovely grape garden. Consider attending full time.
Drives home. Makes these puppies to be dunked in left over turkey soup.
Let's get serious, I have incredibly nice biscuits.
Plays b-ball with his son (and dominates).
Watches this.
Hits this.
Loves this.... although pretty sure he is going to need this very soon.
Well, he goes here.
(and runs into people he knows - of course - who are skipping this. Which really makes him laugh).
Packs the family into the van, decides to live free and wild (I know, very difficult to equate "free and wild" with a van. Alas, us "Sick" Dad's totally picture ourselves in the swagger wagon).
He takes the kidltets here. (Sorry, that should read 'follows his wife's precise instructions after being threatened that he will be riding a scooter the rest of his life even after he argue's about how "sick" he is to said wife. To which his wife points out that he needs to trim his ear hair because it looks disgusting)
Attends church.
He and his wife are highly impacted and therefore attend a second service held in a lovely grape garden. Consider attending full time.
Drives home. Makes these puppies to be dunked in left over turkey soup.
Let's get serious, I have incredibly nice biscuits.
Plays b-ball with his son (and dominates).
Watches this.
Hits this.
Loves this.... although pretty sure he is going to need this very soon.
Friday, October 1, 2010
VHF - Liquid Genius
This ad earns the title "embarrassing" without even starting. Literally, when I watch this commercial I curl up in the fetal position and start whimpering. And all I can think of is "Why?" I am still at a loss.
Conversely, this ad leaves me speechless. Liquid Genius.
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