The Unemployed

Sometimes it is incredibly hard to blog.  When you get a few readers, your thoughts start to drift in a new direction. 

This better be funny. 
What if I say too much.
How many people am I going to offend today (and yes I have received emails)
Why won't my wife let me tell that story.
Should I use the word "nipple"

It's crazy.  So at times I get a little more wrapped up in me than in you.  I know completely selfish.  Alas, you see, I don't have a job right now and wherever I go, those little demons of insecurity walk right with me. 

"You are such a loser Lanigan." 
"Who in their right mind stops what they are doing for nothing." 
"People are staring at you cause they can tell you don't have a job.  Well, that and let's get serious, your pants are a bit tight."
"Yea, friends tell you that they know something good is coming, it was the right move, blah, blah, blah.  But you don't have a job yet do you.  And who is kidding who, they are all thinking glad it is him and not me."
"How are you gonna pay that bill sucker."
"One step forward 2 steps back baby.  Keep it up."

It's hard shaking those guys.  They go through walls, hop in your car, sit down beside you for coffee, hop on other people's shoulders and inspire them to say stupid things.  And they are relentless.

Daily I am confronted with discovering, debating and despairing about what God would have me do. I took a step of faith God. There has got to be a little something something doesn't there? And the reminders of where I am at and what I am not doing come come calling everyday as I run into another person at Costco. Or Safeway. Or someone emails or calls... So I gotta ask Scott, 'What's up? What are you doing?'

And sometimes you make it sound like more is happening than it really is.

"Well I had 4 incomprehensible meetings this week. Talking about some incredible opportunities which are on the cusp of exploding with possibility. Totally jacked about them."

That or you squeeze out a fart and clear the area (just point at the lady who just walked by and shake your head)

There are moments of exhilaration and moments of terror.  Moments where you feel like you can literally take on anything, and moments where you afraid to take the next phone call.  Tears and high fives.

Here I am, almost 40, almost at the last dollar, almost "there" but not quite.

I ran into a quote from Gail Sheehy in the book by Richard Stearns "The Hole in our Gospel" (story of how he became the president of World Vision USA).

"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security."

One of those quotes that causes you to pretend you didn't read it.  Problem is I read it.  The word that comes screaming at me from that quote is "surrender."  It is so not a word we like to use.  That means I have to give up, let go, release, free, open my hands, step out of the boat, walk into the darkness, listen to the beckoning of my soul. 

I feel like I have ended up on that train whether I like it or not.  But I am choosing to like it.  I am not doing this for kicks.  I am not doing those so I can write a book about it later or call in a favor. 

I am doing this because.

Because this life, as much as I want it to be, is not about me.  Because if the reality of God is in my heart it has got to go to my hands and feet.  Because I strive to reject instant gratification.  Because I have 3 kids watching me.  Because I want to live.

I realize that I am going to fail.  Take yesterday for example.  Fear ran in and gladly took the place of surrender.   But today is different.  Today is tender.  For a lot of reasons.  Today is a day of growth.

Check these out for some better words...

Stuff
Wisdom
Surrender
Because